My first session with my therapist

 I am exhausted…

I know now why I was called introvert as a child. No. I am not introvert... I am only saving my energy... being constantly under pressure, stress called fear... I had to save my energy so I can carry on what I needed to do as a small housewife... spend least energy on playing as a kid. 

I had my first session yesterday, with my therapist and it took me depression or two.... I was as a child, constant state of depression, so my digestion system was weak, so my body is not bigger than my mom nor my dad... not enough food to build a body. I am a high methylation type so I consume a lot of vitamin B's and amino acids but with my weak digestion system does not get enough to cycle my brain needs... lack of amino acid felt as "death wish" I think.  Even when I am depressed, without those nutrition deficiency, I won't feel death wishing... 

Yesterday, the session was in the first thing in the morning, and my mood had changed dramatically, from very happy good mood to depressed... it took me a whole day to bring back my mood to good... In this case, meditation does not work at all, it only worsen the mood... 

What has worked is big laugh, and hitting something, to let go of my anger built up inside... so I hit my tennis ball... 

I think if this anger gets toward myself, it will be a real death.  I remember as a child I was so mad that people do not understand me and only prize me that I have a great academic success and get a lot of attention from people, that does not fulfilled me at all... I will be happy if people finally realize how hard life was by death of mine, that was my imagination as a child... they always judged me by their standared and they say I am ok, I am doing good... No! I was constant risk of death, all the way through my childhood, so I was really really happy to say good bye to my childhood and leave my mom's... forget about everything... just like a movie "What's Eating Gilbert Grape"... I actually know how Gilbert had felt.. was exactly mine... 

This session of therapy is the cost of my freedom to leave Japan and climb someplace else where I felt that I belong. I don't really belong to Japanese climbing community where they are only interested in how to brag about how brave they are... narcists!