How I got double-binded because I loved my dead brother and saw him in fellow climbers

 Artist dates are like meditation walks, and when they are successful, you begin to notice the little beautiful things. Today I saw this yellow leaf that looked so beautiful. (To many, they are just dead leaves).

Other outcomes I noticed were.

1) The sorrow of my brother's death has not yet healed.

2) My childhood was a childhood that forced me to postpone my innocent childish time.

My mother was a single mother, so at the young age of six, I made the childhood decision to be a little mom for my other siblings, when my mom is away. I had to postpone the joy of being an innocent child.

3) I thought that when I grew up, I could play with my younger brothers and sisters.

4) My brother died when I was 24.

5) I saw my dead brother in the climber who became my partners, 

6)But young climbers are not always people worth trusting as climbers, and the overlap with my dead brother put me in a position...a life-threatening position.

7) I still have a strong attachment to be kind to my (dead) brother.

8) So I am still vulnerable to young climbers. Sometimes they are "climbers who wish to die."

9) When those people ask me to be their partner, it is hard to say no. I am a fairly safe climber with more climbing education than most, so I feel "obligated" to share my knowledge.

10) But if I partner with "them," my life is threatened because of their stupidity.

11) In other words, I am in a double bind.

12) I don't know what to do...

This is what happened to me in climbing.

My climbing trips have been great. For example, I climbed the Kaikoma Kurodo Ridge, with an elevation gain of 2,200 meters, solo in the snow, and I also climbed technical routes like the Amida North Ridge. Although the distance was short, it required 4th class climbing skills, and although it is usually best to use ropes for safety, I was confident that I would never fall, so I was able to climb it freesolo. So much for bragging...

What I noticed in today's artist date;

A) I noticed that one of the stairs in the park is a great exercise for my iliopsoas muscles. During yesterday's swim, I finally found an exact way to move my right knee without pain, and the line between the knee and the iliopsoas muscle is connected.

b) Swimming, especially butterfly style, is important to me. I could not swim at all as a child because I was caught up in an irrational fear and panicked by the water ...I know reason now, my dad pushed me into a water at age 2. Later at the age of 48, I suddenly learned to swim...and I feel connection to my dead younger brother who were medalist in butterfly style. It is as if the skills of my dead brother, who was a competitive swimmer, were captured in me.

If there is a spirit, it must be teaching me how to swim the butterfly...

Other forms of swimming, like breaststroke and freestyle, are like no good... By all accounts, I am drowning more than swimming.... This is just how I was.

C) Pain in my right knee is the main reason I'm holding off on hard climbing. So this is a big step forward for me to get back to normal activity...

D)I think I need an extra dose of protein or BCAA to get back to where I was before I stopped climbing.